Category: ‘Tragedy Train’

Unabashedly Lovely: The Evolution of My Courtney Love

November 10th, 2009
clovephone

2009

In 2007, I was working a miserable job at MTV with a batshit crazy boss who tried to force herself onto me as my fag hag.  It was very violating.  I prayed a big rig would hit me every day during my two hour commute to Santa Monica.  When Halloween came around and I was ordered to plan a Halloween party for the staff, I decided I needed a costume that would allow me to be ill-behaved all day long.  So I settled on Courtney Love circa ’95.

Imagine me arriving at work, kicking trash cans, panties around my ankles, yelling at people—and not getting fired for it.  It was perfect.

Since that year’s Courtney was kind of haphazzardly created, I wanted to try it again in 2008.  This year’s Courtney v.3 was the best–and the last.  I’m throwing in my tiara.   Keep reading to see the evolution… (more…)

Unabashedly Wrong: Kim & Nene Are Not Patsy & Edina

October 30th, 2009

This post was written last week during the 2nd part of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion:

I choked on my tofu stir-fry last night when Andy Cohen, the Bravo network exec (who turned himself into on-air personality [eye roll]), compared Real Housewives, Kim and Nene, to AbFab’s Patsy and Edina.  Pssshhhh!  Only in their wiggiest dreams.  Those ignorant bitches don’t even know who Patsy and Edina are.

Furthermore, Andy Cohen, you annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, you high-falutin’ gay media honcho.  But I’d fuck you–and by I’d fuck you, I mean you’d fuck me, of course.

Bossy Bottom in the house.

kimpatsynenepats

andypats

Unabashedly (Oh) Fatherless: Gay YouTubers Sing Same Madonna Ballad

September 27th, 2009

ohfather1ohfather2ohfather41

Daddy issues forever.

Sad Madonna is my favorite Madonna.  As I scoured YouTube for Madonna ballads, I noticed six cover versions of her 1989 tres dramatique why-daddy-why track, Oh Father…all performed by gay men.  Score 1 for Nurture!

My favorite contribution comes from a rotund young man who calls himself “BittersweetSuperstar.”  He mixes a depressing montage of family photos, child abuse statistics, makes himself up to look like he’s been hit in the face–AND includes a small child (also with fake bruises on his face) acting out the lyrics.

Bittersweet wants you to know that “no people were hurt or abused for the making of this video.”  The video is tagged with keywords: vogue, child abuse, Oh Father, and neglect.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fwoK1fGREY

2. PaulyWoodGaGa admits that he “got a little emotional” while singing his version. (more…)

Unabashedly Tired: I Tuck Tyra into Bed

September 17th, 2009

tyra-banks-cynthia-mcfadden-interview-parody-video

Go to sleep, Tyra, you’re tired.  Fierce on, Cynthia!

Click HERE to see the original interview.

Unabashed Roleplay: You Be Tyra and I’ll Be Cynthia

September 9th, 2009

Tyra Banks, the self-described nice girl (and me-described tie for worst talk show host with Tempestt Bledsoe and Ananda Lewis), got her weave ruffled during yesterday’s Nightline interview (gets good at 6:13).  Cynthia McFadden was downright fierce and *not* in a Tyra kind of way.  (And by the by, Tyra, fuck you for pillaging that word.)

Do a dramatic reading with your friends.  It only takes three people!

cynthiamcfaddencrop1

A = Cynthia McFadden

ugly-tyra-banks1

B = Tyra

anonymous1

C = Tyra's Publicist

A: Both Paulina Porizkova and Janice Dickinson, when they left the show, they were not very nice about you.

B: <<smile with eyes>>

C: Let’s not go there

A: Well I AM going there, I’m going to ask that question. (more…)

Unabashed Hard Core Flashback: Lil’ Kim Does Daytime Talk in 1997

September 8th, 2009

Do you remember Rolanda?  Don’t front like you don’t remember Rolanda.  I know I do.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFOGfvxr3fg

I musta missed this episode.  Rolanda reads dirty Lil’ Kim lyrics aloud (2:26), Kim doles out sex advice to a 12 year-old fan (3:38) and freaks out some gangsta rap-hating cracker (6:03).

Unabashed Sex Club Reality: Parts 1 & 2

September 7th, 2009

My fearless standby, Queerty, has published parts 1 & 2 of my gay sex club piece:

And They’re Always Glad You Came* & The Cock is Dicking

from Queerty.com

*Part 1 was originally published last April by another gay publication but was subsequently (and without warning or explanation) removed along with my now-infamous HIV/porn piece

Unabashed Sing-Along: Mike Tyson, Meryl, & Jon Lovitz

September 1st, 2009

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ol6vr5_CY1o

So much better than “We Are the World,” because “Voices that Care” had the balls to use A-Z list actors who can’t sing.  It was produced as a morale-booster for troops in Desert Storm and the proceeds were given to the Red Cross or something. 

Skip to 3:20′ish to see the randoms come out: Ted Danson, Chevy Chase, Mike Tyson (as mentioned), fuckin’ Kurt Russell. My favorite is the close-up of Sally Field, Alyssa Milano, and Fred Savage (singing his little heart out) at 3:45.

The only person missing is Marlee Matlin (and her gay sign language interpreter).

jack_marlee5

(more…)

Unabashed Daddy Worship: You’re the Boss

August 28th, 2009
From L to R: Some guy, Danny Pintaro, a porn star named Wolf Hudson

From L to R: some guy, Danny Pintauro, a porn star named Wolf Hudson

Former child actor, Danny Pintauro, is a harmless wisp of a boy, even at 33 years-old.  

I ran into him at, of all places, the Freshmen Magazine “Freshman of the Year” party.  Teetering somewhere between unhealthy and not-well, Pintauro’s was the only half-recognizable face in a sea of whatever.  So I asked him what the hell he was doing there. (more…)