Category: ‘Tragedy Train’

Unabashed Casting Call: Grease XXX

March 2nd, 2010

Porn director Axel Braun (take a rock star’s first name and pair it with a paper towel company) announced yesterday that he is holding auditions for “Grease XXX,” a “big-budget (porn) parody” of the 1978 film, “Grease.”118120_r3Per the Xbiz website: The movie will feature five different dance numbers requiring talent to do their own singing and dancing.

Per director, Braun: “Many performers are incredibly talented individuals who have simply chosen to make their living in the adult industry for personal reasons. ‘Grease XXX’ will give all of them a real opportunity to shine!”

A real opporuntity to shine.  In Grease.  I bet that wasn’t on purpose, either.

I’m gonna take a shot — a greasy, shiny shot — at possible song/dance numbers to be included:

Hopelessly Devoted to Goo

Born to Hand Job

Summer Dykes

You’re the One that I Want (to fuck)

Look at Me, I’m Tommy Lee

There Aren’t Worse Things I Could Do

We Cum Together

Posted in Filth, HIV/AIDS/STD/STI/Heebie Jeebies, No-List Celebrities, Smut, Test of my Gag Reflex, Tragedy Train, Why, fatherless gays | No Comments »

b. murph: was it my fault?

December 20th, 2009

tv-animation-11I was literally–no joke–singing the praises of Brittany Murphy not 12 hours ago…and I wake up to find out she died this morning.  This is the first celebrity death of 2009 that makes me sad and B. makes me nervous that the entire casts of the Real Housewives of Atlanta and New Jersey are going to die because I was talking about them last night, too.  God, you can have all of them EXCEPT Kandi.

luannpuppets

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Posted in Hollywouldn't, This is not a celebrity gossip blog, Tragedy Train | 1 Comment »

Unabashed Promotion: Says Oprah

December 18th, 2009

Says Oprah to this plane crash survior:20090924-tows-stephanie-nielson-2-290x218

“You know I recently interviewed Whitney Houston and she has a song out now called ‘Didn’t Know My Own Strength,’ which is my favorite cut, number seven on the album…”

I GOT YOUR BACK, GIRL

I GOT YOUR BACK, GIRL

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Posted in Hollywood Squeerz, Hollywouldn't, Says ______, Tragedy Train, Unabashedly Quotable, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Unabashed Cheese & Crackers: The Blind Side

November 20th, 2009

I don’t care if it’s based on a true story, Sandra Bullock’s new film, The Blind Side, makes me want to go blind and deaf and just die.

Admittedly, I have only seen the 2-and-a-half minute trailer, but I think I get it.

Bullock plays Leigh Anne, a Memphis socialite who is, as one reviewer describes, “always on the lookout for an opportunity to be a good Christian.” To make a long, stupid story short,  Leigh Anne takes a homeless black youth into her huge house and makes him part of the family.  Ebony & ivory forever!

The Blind Side is the perfect self-congratulatory cheese to pair with CRACKERS this holiday season.

the_blind_side02

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Posted in Hollywouldn't, I Hate Str8s, Tragedy Train | 1 Comment »

Unabashedly Lovely: The Evolution of My Courtney Love

November 10th, 2009
clovephone

2009

In 2007, I was working a miserable job at MTV with a batshit crazy boss who tried to force herself onto me as my fag hag.  It was very violating.  I prayed a big rig would hit me every day during my two hour commute to Santa Monica.  When Halloween came around and I was ordered to plan a Halloween party for the staff, I decided I needed a costume that would allow me to be ill-behaved all day long.  So I settled on Courtney Love circa ‘95.

Imagine me arriving at work, kicking trash cans, panties around my ankles, yelling at people—and not getting fired for it.  It was perfect.

Since that year’s Courtney was kind of haphazzardly created, I wanted to try it again in 2008.  This year’s Courtney v.3 was the best–and the last.  I’m throwing in my tiara.   Keep reading to see the evolution… (more…)

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Posted in Fierce (and not in a Tyra kind of way), Filth, Help, I can't stop, Tragedy Train, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Unabashedly Wrong: Kim & Nene Are Not Patsy & Edina

October 30th, 2009

This post was written last week during the 2nd part of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion:

I choked on my tofu stir-fry last night when Andy Cohen, the Bravo network exec (who turned himself into on-air personality [eye roll]), compared Real Housewives, Kim and Nene, to AbFab’s Patsy and Edina.  Pssshhhh!  Only in their wiggiest dreams.  Those ignorant bitches don’t even know who Patsy and Edina are.

Furthermore, Andy Cohen, you annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, you high-falutin’ gay media honcho.  But I’d fuck you–and by I’d fuck you, I mean you’d fuck me, of course.

Bossy Bottom in the house.

kimpatsynenepats

andypats

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Posted in No-List Celebrities, This is not a celebrity gossip blog, Tragedy Train, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Unabashedly (Oh) Fatherless: Gay YouTubers Sing Same Madonna Ballad

September 27th, 2009

ohfather1ohfather2ohfather41

Daddy issues forever.

Sad Madonna is my favorite Madonna.  As I scoured YouTube for Madonna ballads, I noticed six cover versions of her 1989 tres dramatique why-daddy-why track, Oh Father…all performed by gay men.  Score 1 for Nurture!

My favorite contribution comes from a rotund young man who calls himself “BittersweetSuperstar.”  He mixes a depressing montage of family photos, child abuse statistics, makes himself up to look like he’s been hit in the face--AND includes a small child (also with fake bruises on his face) acting out the lyrics.

Bittersweet wants you to know that “no people were hurt or abused for the making of this video.”  The video is tagged with keywords: vogue, child abuse, Oh Father, and neglect.

2. PaulyWoodGaGa admits that he “got a little emotional” while singing his version. (more…)

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Posted in Help, I can't stop, Hollywouldn't, Men make bad parents, Tragedy Train | No Comments »

Unabashedly Tired: I Tuck Tyra into Bed

September 17th, 2009

tyra-banks-cynthia-mcfadden-interview-parody-video

Go to sleep, Tyra, you’re tired.  Fierce on, Cynthia!

Click HERE to see the original interview.

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Posted in Fierce (and not in a Tyra kind of way), Hollywouldn't, This is not a celebrity gossip blog, Tragedy Train | 2 Comments »

Unabashed Roleplay: You Be Tyra and I’ll Be Cynthia

September 9th, 2009

Tyra Banks, the self-described nice girl (and me-described tie for worst talk show host with Tempestt Bledsoe and Ananda Lewis), got her weave ruffled during yesterday’s Nightline interview (gets good at 6:13).  Cynthia McFadden was downright fierce and *not* in a Tyra kind of way.  (And by the by, Tyra, fuck you for pillaging that word.)

Do a dramatic reading with your friends.  It only takes three people!

cynthiamcfaddencrop1

A = Cynthia McFadden

ugly-tyra-banks1

B = Tyra

anonymous1

C = Tyra's Publicist

A: Both Paulina Porizkova and Janice Dickinson, when they left the show, they were not very nice about you.

B: <<smile with eyes>>

C: Let’s not go there

A: Well I AM going there, I’m going to ask that question. (more…)

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Posted in Fierce (and not in a Tyra kind of way), This is not a celebrity gossip blog, Tragedy Train | 1 Comment »

Unabashed Hard Core Flashback: Lil’ Kim Does Daytime Talk in 1997

September 8th, 2009

Do you remember Rolanda?  Don’t front like you don’t remember Rolanda.  I know I do.

I musta missed this episode.  Rolanda reads dirty Lil’ Kim lyrics aloud (2:26), Kim doles out sex advice to a 12 year-old fan (3:38) and freaks out some gangsta rap-hating cracker (6:03).

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Posted in Fierce (and not in a Tyra kind of way), Filth, Smut, This is not a celebrity gossip blog, Tragedy Train | No Comments »

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